


The Cool Kids in: Poly Disaster

by CaptainJZH



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Future Fic, Gen, House Party, Humor, New Year's Eve, Polyamory, Post-Canon, human disaster cool kids, raccoons - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28899315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: Steven is invited to the Cool Kids' shared apartment for New Year's Eve. He does not like it.
Relationships: Buck Dewey/Jenny Pizza/Sour Cream
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	The Cool Kids in: Poly Disaster

Steven didn’t know what he was signing up for when he agreed to spend New Year’s Eve at the Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny’s shared apartment outside of Beach City, but he wasn’t expecting...this.

The apartment was a wreck, to put it bluntly. Wallpaper was peeling, the windows were covered by sheets and blankets instead of curtains, half the carpet was torn up (with the bare floor hastily covered up with a circular rug that failed to cover it up entirely) and there was just junk  _ everywhere. _

“Hey Steve-o,” Buck nodded from the bean bag chair in the living room. In front of it stood a TV tray where his laptop was placed, studying for his upcoming medical exams. “Take a load off, anywhere you like.”

“Yeah man, it’s great to see you,” Sour Cream said, sitting in a lawn chair across from Buck. “Jenny, you remember where I put the weed?”

“I dunno!” Jenny called out from the one bedroom shared between the three of them. “Maybe it’s with your DJ stuff?”

Sour Cream’s DJ equipment was all stowed in the corner by the front door, all plugged into a power strip plugged into another power strip plugged into an extension cord that ran out the window to the McRonald’s next door. It saved them hundreds on electric bills.

“So, uh, I can sit...anywhere?” Steven hesitantly asked, eyeing the suspiciously-clean futon. 

“Yeah man, take a seat!” Buck nodded.

Steven went to sit on the futon, initially feeling at ease but then realizing that something was  _ moving  _ underneath him. A raccoon suddenly burst out of the futon, attacking Steven ferociously. Steven immediately summoned his shield and ran to the other side of the room.

_ “What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck,”  _ Steven said, clearly panicking.

“Hey guys!” Connie said, entering the apartment. “How’s it going, Steven?”

“We’re leaving,” Steven said.

“What?”

“We’ll sleep in the Dondai tonight.”

“Steven, don’t be silly, there’s not enough room in the Dondai. Besides, they have, like, three beds here.”

“And we only use one!” Jenny laughed.

It was true. The apartment only had one bedroom, with one large bed for Buck, Jenny and Sour Cream. A twin bed sat across from it, halfway inside the closet. And then there was, of course, the futon, currently inhabited by raccoons.

“Though Shep and Sadie already called the twin,” Sour Cream added. “So you guys can have the futon.”

“Connie, I saw a Motel 8 down the street.  _ Please,” _ Steven begged.

“Steven relax, you’ll be fine,” Connie assured him.

“There are raccoons in the futon!”

“Oh them?” Buck replied. “Harmless.”

“I call the big one Bitey,” Sour Cream laughed.

Steven sighed and went to the fridge, hoping they at least had something to eat. They did not, with the fridge’s contents consisting of long-expired milk, eggs and butter. The freezer was a little more promising, being filled with countless assortments of frozen foods. Alas, the microwave appeared to be out of commission.

“Guys, what happened to your microwave?”

“Buck, did you put a fork in there again?” Jenny asked.

“It asked for it,” Buck said.

_ “What do you guys eat?”  _ Steven asked, genuinely concerned.

“Takeout,” Sour Cream shrugged.

“...Fair enough,” Steven shrugged. He noticed that their “television” was a small portable TV sitting atop a milk crate, with its antenna replaced with a wire clothes hanger. Buck was adjusting it to get a better signal.

“Buck wants to see the ball drop in Tribune Circle,” Sour Cream scoffed.

“...You guys have wifi, right?” Steven asked. “Can’t you stream it?”

“Not since the bowling alley changed wifi password,” Jenny sighed, digging through clothes in their disaster of a closet. “Hey! I found your drugs, SC!”

“Sweet! Say, does anyone wanna buy some Xanax?”

Connie glanced at Steven — who would have probably disapproved of her buying her anxiety meds off-market when she had perfectly good insurance — and said “Nah, I’m good” before whispering to Sour Cream, “Meet me outside in ten minutes.”

Steven went to find the bathroom, opening the door to find another raccoon leaping at his face.  _ “Gah!”  _ Steven screamed as the raccoon bit him many times.

“Ah, you met ol’ Abe Lincoln,” Sour Cream said. “Yeah, he kinda owns the bathroom, we don’t bother him.”

At that moment, Sadie and Shep entered, with Shep expressing some concern at the state of the apartment and Sadie just accepting it. She’d seen worse on tour with them, after all.

“Finally, it’s on!” Buck said as the New Year’s special came on the tiny TV. Everyone gathered around it, feeling a sense of unity that night as the new year approached.

Except for Steven, who was still fighting with Abraham Lincoln the Raccoon, as the other two, Bitey and Franklin watched. 

The odds were 50/50.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to TranscedentalSpaceGem and E350tb for giving me the ideas for this fic! Art by me! You can find more on my DeviantArt.


End file.
